if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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