I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Quick, to the slutcave!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
