Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
