A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
