Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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