i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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