you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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