when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
