you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
