I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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