we're chasing vodka with high fives
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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