Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
