My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
