I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
