So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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