I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
