so explain again why im purple
no
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i now understand why vodka
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
