I accidentally had phone sex last night
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
