Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
