Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
