just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
