I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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