Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
