need another drink. this is the easiest way
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
