My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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