I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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