Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
