My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
