I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
