I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
All I want is dick and wine.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
