I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
