You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
