I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
