My hand turned me down
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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