I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
