You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
