Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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