I need help removing her.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
