I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
