I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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