I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Buhtt sex?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
