Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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