just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
