when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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