So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish they made helmets for livers.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
