Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize