remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
