i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
