we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
