I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize