Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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