Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
