I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
