I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
