I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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